до свидания

Today was the last day of teaching. Guess what happened. Half of our kids didn't show up. Even after parents had called and said they weren't coming, I kept hoping they would. I would hear a small sound and light up getting hopeful it was the front door opening. It never was. At first I was angry at the parents for not letting their sick kids come and for blaming heavy traffic. I am so heartbroken that I not only have to leave these kids, but I didn't even get a goodbye. I didn't know that yesterday was our last day.

Now I've been thinking...maybe this was better. Yesterday was so happy. The party was perfect. Every kid came. There were no meltdowns or fights. The hard kids finally showed that they don't need strikes because they can follow the rules. And it was fun. Their faces lit up with each new toy they pulled out of their stocking. They were giggling and squealing hitting the pinata. It was a magical day! And I made sure to give them each the tightest hugs and kisses on the cheek and said "I love you!" plenty of times. So what is there to be upset about? I've had all semester to show them I love them. I didn't need today to implant that in their brains. They should know how much I love them by now if I've done my job right. Maybe this ending is the best one. A happy one. I really have loved all my sad goodbyes in my life. The day I said goodbye to my kids in India still remains one of the hardest and best days of my life. I remember crying uncontrollably the whole last night of Oakcrest. I always become attached to the chapters of my life. And no matter how excited I am for the next one, no matter how hard it was, even if I was ready for it to end, I have this painful, heartaching, heartbreaking goodbye. And as much as I hate that about myself, I am also glad I'm like that. I'm grateful I can love the things I do so deeply that it hurts me so much to leave them. I've entered the hurting stage the past few days. I'm so incredibly sad to leave this place and these people. I will never be able to describe how much I love them. So maybe it was a tender mercy that the kids weren't all here today. Maybe I didn't need a dramatic goodbye this time. Maybe this is the perfect way to leave. Instead of having a memory of that final goodbye to hold in my heart, I have all the little moments of joy to store there. I have a whole semester full of memories of love. It didn't have to happen today, it's been happening this whole time. Genya, Illia, Marina, Katya, Alex, and Misha all know I love them. And I know they love me. Leaving them is still hard. But I'm just remembering how happy they've made me. And that is the goodbye I want to remember.

On a totally different topic...I'm DONE packing! Why have I been a procrastinator my whole life? Finishing something 3 days early instead of the last hour feels fantastic.